Morsmordre
by Pantz
Summary: And you feel lost, lost within your fears. LJ it's sort of tragic. It's after Hogwarts. Read and Review.


_**Disclaimer: Everything from HP books belongs to JK Rowling**_

**_Morsmordre_**

_Can love beat anything? Even evil?_

You feel coldness creeping at you and your eyelids feel heavy against your face. Slowly you open them as you listen to the storm raging outside, as thunder suddenly booms and lightening lights up your bedroom and you find yourself jumping into the air. You look around you and pull your scarlet sheet to your neck trying to get a bit of heat in your body. As usual, you fail.

Your eyes wander up to the ceiling as another lightening bolt falls rapidly to earth. You're prepared this time and do not shudder as the room flashes blue for a second, do not jump as you hear your oak tree cracking outside the window. You just stair up at the ceiling, look at the bold blue you once had to beg James to paint it, look at the weird designs the bumps on the ceiling make, and then sigh as you realize it's only two in the morning, as you realize it's October the thirty-first today and yet you'll have no annual costume party, no drunken Sirius. A dry sob escapes your mouth and you will yourself not to think of it, will yourself to not think of the images and thoughts that have been plaguing you day after day since you've become a prisoner of your own home. But as your eyes lie on the handsome man sleeping peacefully next to you those thoughts are all that is in your head.

It's strange, you think. You hardly ever get to see him so calm. Hardly ever see him without the slight creases in his forehead, without the worry constantly on his face. He's like an angel, you think as you watch him sleep. A beautiful angel whom you never thought you deserved. He's perfect, you know that, and even back in school when you hated him you still knew that. There's always been something about James Potter, something you could never quite put your finger on. He's just amazing.

And you love him. God sometimes it feels you love him so much it hurts. You feel this need for him control you completely and you could watch him sleep for hours because even those light breaths he takes are just so enthralling to you. He's your everything, your world, and even though you were once scared away by that knowledge, turned away from him at first because he captivated you so completely, you know that without James your world may as well crash down. That without him, you're nothing. Lily Potter can't exist without James.

The thunder strikes again and the insomnia that has been controlling you in the past few weeks seeps in. You sigh deeply and walk out of bed after giving James a light kiss on the head. He mumbles slightly and turns away from you in his sleep. You watch him and fight back the tears in your eyes, the fear crawling up your spine. And you look away, walk to the window and watch the rain pounding on the ground. Stare at yet another storm raging outside and feel as if this is all your life has become, a series of storms dominating you until the final lightening bolt strikes. And you're afraid, more afraid then you'll ever admit.

Holding yourself for warmth your walk to the closet and pull out the pink fleece blanket you used to use in your Hogwarts days. You usually would smile as you pull this out. You usually would laugh and think about Dorcas and Marlene. You usually would ache to call Alice or jump on James and make him recall the days when you couldn't stand him. Thing have changed, you think. You never realized before just how much.

You open the door to your bedroom quietly and close it with the utmost care. You walk out into the dark hallway to the third door on the left. Just passed the guest bathroom and right before the stairs. Quietly, you open the door and walk into the dark room with a single lamp turned on to lighten the room just a bit. You close the yellow door and smile slightly at the airplane border and yellow paint that matches the door and walk to the window where the crib is stationed. You looked inside and your breath is caught in your throat as you stare at Harry. Tingles fill your stomach and suddenly everything you feared just seconds before washes away and peace fills you.

You take the rocking chair from the other side of the room and put it in front of the crib. You sit down as you listen to your baby make noises in his sleep, as you imagine what he'll be like when he's older, imagine him at eleven at the Hogwarts station running fingers through messy, black hair and bossing around some blond boy who worships him because really, he _is_ a small replica of his father. Looks just like him except for his eyes. You smile. It's the one thing you gave him.

You pull the blanket around your body and suddenly feel your eyes become droopy. You yawn quietly and stare at Harry's crib as your eyes begin to close. You fall asleep.

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The sun shines brightly in your eyes and as you try to lift your head you feel a cramp in your neck. You cry slight from pain as you realize the horrible position you must've slept in the night before. You get out of the chair, back hurting because god forbid you get a break, and look up to see an empty crib. You frown as you realize the wanker didn't wake you up.

You yawn loudly as you slowly walk out of the room and down the stairs. Suddenly, you smell something wonderful in the kitchen and hear the sizzling of bacon in a pan. You smile knowing James was the great cook. Something you could never quite learn well. You remember how after you were married he tried to teach you and remember the one time you almost burnt down the house and smile at the carefree times you once had. Everything seemed perfect back then.

You walk into the kitchen and see Harry in his high chair reaching his arms out for James who was by the stove scrambling some eggs. You walk to him.

"You didn't wake me." You say quietly purposely not kissing him until you've yelled at him properly.

"Lily, you know and I know that whenever you fall asleep in Harry's nursery it's because you didn't sleep all night. I figured I'd let you rest as long as possible."

"You make it very hard to be mad at you."

"What can I say? I'm amazing." I laugh slightly and poke his stomach.

"I knew there was some reason I married you." I said before leaning in a kissing him quickly on the lips.

"You mean my charm?"

"No, you're a bloody good cook. Has Harry eaten yet?" You ask as you walk to the cabinet and pull out two plates and hand them over to James.

"Yeah, I fed him some of that muggle food you bought."

"Did he cry this time?"

"Shouldn't we expect it?" He says smiling as he piles the eggs and bacon onto our plates.

I laugh slightly, "He really does hate that stuff."

"So, our Halloween celebration has begun. See, I made your favorite." He says as he walks to the table, hands you the plate, and sits in the seat next to your own.

You tense up as he says it and know your face has hardened. You look away from the plate he placed before you and look outside of the window in front of you. It's a beautiful day. The sun is bright. The birds are out. You just want to ride a broom in the air or take Harry for a stroll. You want out. Out of this house for at least a day because it's Halloween and you deserve it. You want to be free from the constant fear ripping away at your heart. You're tired, emotionally, physically tired.

"Lily?" James questions from beside you. "Listen, you know we have to…"

"Make the best of it?" You put in slightly angry. "I'm tired of making the best of it. I'm tired of sitting here every day and waiting for the inevitable."

He looks down when you're finished and you know he's trying to think of something to comfort you, some brave words that you're soul desperately needs because it's begun to drown in a sea of melancholy. You need him to be the courageous one like he always is and to tell you, yet again, that you _will_ be okay. That you and he will watch Harry grow up and get into Hogwarts. That you'll be there at his graduation and at his wedding. You need to be reassured. But all he does is look at you and you realize for the first time that he's tired, too. That his brave words may have run dry. But then he smiles as if to hide the pain you both feel and your eyes close in anticipation.

"It's Halloween, Lil. Nothing bad will happen today and especially not to us."

"I'm sorry, Jay. I just…"

"You don't have to explain. Lily, I promise you. Everything will be okay. Dumbledore has high hopes for our survival and you know that."

"I know I just… I forget sometimes."

"You should eat."

And you take a forkful of eggs and feel at ease once again. James grabs your hand and you feel it, feel that you'll be okay. You feel it because you want to feel it, need to feel it, in order to survive day after day. You aren't sure though, aren't sure if you believe it.

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You wander upstairs after breakfast with Harry as James prepares to do the dishes. You kiss his head many times in the short walk to the nursery and whisper baby talk into his ear. Before him, you weren't sure it was possible to love another human so much, so unconditionally. But it is. You loved Harry before he was born, since he was a little baby growing inside of you.

You walk into the nursery and take out a few books to read him. You sit in the rocking chair as you and your son become immersed in the life of a very bad bunny and the mishaps he gets into every day.

Harry was always a good sleeper and you marvel at how simple it is to put him to sleep. As you near the end of the book you hear a small yawn and can't help but smile at the beauty of the sound. You love everything about him, every noise he makes, every smile he smiles. Every laugh, every cry. You hardly even resent him anymore for looking so much like his father.

You put him into his crib and watch him sleep for a few moments. Quietly as not to wake him you walk out the door and to your bedroom picking up the fleece blanket as you go. You open the door to the master bedroom and walk inside. You love this room and remember the day you and James painted it. He laughed at you as you dragged him throughout muggle London looking for the right blue to go on the walls.

"_Wouldn't magic be easier?"_ He had said more than once but you were adamant. You wanted to decorate this house the muggle way and spent three days painting this room until it was perfect. James helped a bit and you smile slightly remembering the paint fight and then the… you blush and put the thought out of your mind.

Suddenly, your stomach knots up and you feel the fear again. It'll haunt you forever, you sometimes think. You aren't sure You-Know-Who will ever allow you and James to be free, even after he's dead. You walk to the closet as you hold back tears and take out a golden photo album from a box on the floor. You sit with your back to the wall and open the album ready to be immersed in happier times, ready to forget the pain you live in now.

There are a few Hogwarts pictures in the beginning. A few snap shots of your seventh year. You touch a few pictures of you and Marlene on the train going to seventh year. Stare at a picture of you and the Marauders playing in the snow, at a picture of you and James standing under mistletoe sharing your first kiss. Silently, you allow a tear, the first tear you've cried since you began hiding, to roll down your face as you turn to graduation, and further to you and James moving into the apartment with Sirius and Dorcas. The further you go the more you cry and as you near your wedding day the sobs are racking your body. But you feel numb, numb to everything but the foreboding images you see of your future. The images that you feel will be true. You don't feel safe. You should. You should trust your secret keeper, trust Dumbledore and James. But, for some reason, you don't.

You stop at a picture of your wedding reception and hear James come into the bedroom. You close the album and try to wipe your soggy face as he comes and sits in front of you. His thumb run smoothly over face and you feel his soft lips on you forehead before you lean into his chest and let him stroke your hair.

"It'll be okay, Lily. I promise." And you want to believe it, to believe him, but you can't, can't see the light everyone around you seems to be submerged in.

"I don't think so." You say in a quiet whisper. You know he hears.

"What?" Disbelief fills his voice. It's the first time you voiced you doubts, either of you brought to light that maybe you won't survive.

You sit up and look at him. Your eyes are bloodshot and breathing still uneven.

"You aren't daft, James. We won't survive this."

"Shut up." He says. "Shut the bloody hell up." He screams and you cringe as he voice raises and he stomps over by your dresser. You sit there in utter shock. You can't remember when he ever yelled at you.

"It's true." You say quietly again. "What makes us so special, James? Why does everyone think we can survive when nobody has done so before?"

"No one has tried the fidelius charm before. And Peter…" he says trying to reason with you.

"Peter?" You scream. "Peter is half the reason I feel this way."

"What?"

"I don't trust him, James. I don't want him as my secret keeper. He's… there's something evil about him."

"Peter is my best friend," He screams, "There's nothing to distrust about him. He's like my family." And suddenly you're angry. Angry because no matter what you give him this family will always be second to the Marauders.

"Family? Family! What about this family James? What about me? About Harry? Must we always take second place to your precious Marauders? Must I always fight with them for first place in your heart?" Your breathing becomes heavy and your vision blurry.

"Lily…"

"NO! I'm tired, James. Tired of being afraid. Tired of waiting day after day for the climax that may never done. I'm tired of hiding."

"We have to…"

"I've heard it all before. I'm sick of it. Of the fear. Of the pain. I want out. I want to go outside. I want to walk down the street and see Alice. I want…I want a new secret keeper." You say and walk to the door before he can answer. You throw it open and stop on the threshold,

"I love you." You say to him quietly. It doesn't matter how much you hate him at this very moment. You never leave a room without telling him you love him.

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"I'm sorry." It's about seven and you're sitting in front of the living room fire reading a book as James comes downstairs with Harry in his arms and takes a seat next to you.

"You know I don't like it anymore than you do." he says again.

"I know. It's just so hard. I didn't… I'm sorry, too." You say staring into his eyes, the hazel eyes you've loved since you were seventeen.

"I love you. You and Harry are everything to me. Without you two I have nothing to live for, nothing of value. You never have to fight for first place. You've had it for years."

"I didn't mean what I said up there about that. I was angry."

"It doesn't matter. You just have to know I love you."

"I love you, too." Suddenly Harry squeals in James's arms and you smile.

"Harry. Want to play a game? Want to play Harry?" you say to your fifteen month old son. James kisses your cheek and walks with Harry to the floor where his toys are scattered around messily. You watch them play and feel at ease. You suddenly have an epiphany. You don't need anything else, not the sunshine or the world outside your house. You suddenly realize as you watch Harry try to walk to James that those two boys are all you need. You just wish with all your heart that Harry could grow up carefree like you and James did.

Then it happened, happened so fast you thought it was your imagination. A noise came from the front door. A panicked look crossed over James's face as he told you to take Harry and run.

"It's him, Lily. Take Harry and go."

"No," You cry. "I won't leave you James." You say as your baby boy is shoved into your arms and whines slightly from a quick, crushing pain. Tears suddenly start to leak into your eyes. _It can't be_, you think._ We were safe. He said we were safe._

"Lily go. GO NOW!" He screams at you and you obey. You kiss his lips quickly, whisper that you love him, and run upstairs making it to the top just as the door crashes open. You don't look, don't wait. You just run to Harry's nursery and lock the door falling to the ground as you cry.

"James." You cry through tears. "James." You hold Harry close and feel his head cutting into your chest. You listen to the duel coming from downstairs and will You-Know-Who to die. You close your eyes and lean your face into Harry's body as you touch his messy, black hair. Clearly, you hear a cold voice calmly say avada kedavra and listen as your husband's body falls to the floor.

You sob and hear footsteps coming up the stairs. You lean in and whisper into Harry's ear that you love him more than life itself and that he'll survive. That mummy's boy will grow old and you'll be there watching him. You murmur loving words into his ear as the door bursts open. You get to your feet.

"Give me the boy." A frighteningly cold voice says.

"No. Not Harry. Please not Harry."

"Stand aside silly girl."

"Please," you cry desperately, "Take me. Kill me instead." And you hold your baby close to you as you watch him raise his wand and listen to him mutter the curse that ends your life. You hear Harry crying as the world turns black.

_Can love beat anything? Even evil?_

**End**

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